Single Minded. Wholehearted.

Spring Break. So short. But so great.

I was able to see my animals. The cat missed me. The bird loves me as does the dog. And my sisters they missed me and love me too...I hope. I got to sleep in my own bed that doesn't have a plastic covered mattress. I watched movies on video on demand and read. I was able to hang out with church friends and got to go to Sojourners and hear the Romans series that I've been missing so much!

It was a good break and everything I was able to do was such a blessing. But, I think the one thing that I loved most about break was the spiritual spanking I got from God throughout the week. It was the best. Towards the end of finals week I was struggling with somethings, namely loving others, and throughout spring break God seriously revealed to me the wickedness in my own heart.

The more I listen to sermons, read books, and study Scripture I am convinced that the only thing that matters is love for God. Our love for God should be what motivates and drives all that we do as Christians. Our love for God should spill over into everything and should move us to action. Prior to break, I looked at the Christians around me and seeing a general complacent and nearly apathetic tone decided that "Everyone hates God." Clearly they don't love Him. If they did they would be delving into the Word. If everyone loved God, then Outreach would not be the most neglected ministry. If everyone loved God, then their notions of Him and relationship with Him would not be solely based on their experiences. If everyone loved God, then they would never questions if this act or that is considered ministry, but they would see their lives themselves as ministry. If everyone loved God...

Over break I was digging through the huge book bag full of books that Dad got from Shepherd's (it was a lot of books.) and I came across one titled "Love or Die--Christ's Wake-Up Call to the Church" by Alexander Strauch. "How fitting", I thought to myself, "I will read this book so that I can own everyone after break. This is what you get if you don't love God. Death." O what a prideful and arrogant fool I am! And how gracious God is to show me my hypocrisy and sin. Freak.

I started reading the book and listening to one of Eric Chab's old sermons on "What love for God is not." And thus started the rebuke. Too often I think that things I do equate to my love for God. I turn into a Catholic thinking my works can somehow save me, that just because I might be able to do decently in Bible Trivia or because I can use big theological terms that those most certainly show that I love God. Mostly though what gets me is this, "Love for God naturally overflows into love for others." Freak. Whilst I was accusing everyone of hating God...I had this giant log in my own eye. I am so judgmental and quick to speak! I'll pick out your sin and see that as your one, primary, sole character quality. And I am not afraid to tell you either. I'll fight you about it and battle others as well. I'm a bossy, scrappy, fighter and I freaking have hate-o-rade flowing through my veins.

How's that for loving God? Freak. I am the worst. Seriously.

As the week progressed the spanking continued. Friday, I went to Branching Out (yes, even though I am 2 years removed now, I still go to high school group when I can.) and Allen preached on "True love for God is..." I just sat there and laughed to myself. Freak man. His last point was this "True love for God is in others". Loving your neighbor demonstrates that you know and understand God's love. Love God. Love others. The entire week before I was pointing the finger at others when I should have stopped and looked at my own heart and my own lack of love for God. Then, that entire week of break God held up the mirror so I could see all the warts and filth that covered my prideful, wicked heart.

And it didn't end there! Sunday, Audrey and I went to Grace. Crossroads was all about "A Life of Approval", the necessity and love of God in His discipline and the importance of being teachable. Audrey had been hearing my ranting and venting about "Everyone hating God" for the past couple of weeks. When Ps. Rick got up behind the podium he starting asking "Do you know what the number one discipline all Christians to have is? The one thing you should look for when looking for a spouse? The one character quality I want to instill in my boys? Do you know what it is? It's to be teachable." Right when he said that Audrey just nudged me and started laughing and laughing. Even before the preaching started, we sang "Beneath the Cross" (which has become one of my favorites) and that song freaking owned me too. It starts with the Gospel and then moves to how we should love others and how we should live.

Both Allen and Eric noted that Christ the greatest person...er being surveyed the greatest book, Scripture, and drew from it the most important thing. Love God and love others. (Mark 12:28- 34)

This past week was a good one. Defiantly sanctifying and humbling for sure. Freak. I just want to love God. And I want others to see Christ in me through my love for others and nothing else. Who cares how much doctrine and theology I know, who cares how worn my Bible is, how long or eloquent my prayers are if I do not love God. Freak. I just want my love for Him to be genuine, wholehearted, and humble, that my contentment would rest solely and completely in Him. So much so that were I to get to Heaven and it was perfect paradise but God was not there that it would seem like Hell to me.

Beneath the cross of Jesus

I find a place to stand,

And wonder at such mercy

That calls me as I am;

For hands that should discard me

Hold wounds which tell me, "Come."

Beneath the cross of Jesus

My unworthy soul is won.

Beneath the cross of Jesus

His family is my own--

Once strangers chasing selfish dreams,

Now one through grace alone.

How could I now dishonour

The ones that You have loved?

Beneath the cross of Jesus

See the children called by God.

Beneath the cross of Jesus--

The path before the crown--

We follow in His footsteps

Where promised hope is found.

How great the joy before us

To be His perfect bride;

Beneath the cross of Jesus

We will gladly live our lives.