Brighter Than a Thousand Suns.

"Lord Jesus,
If I love thee my soul shall seek thee, but can I seek thee unless my love to thee is kept alive to this end?
Do I love thee because thou art good, and canst alone do me good?
It is fitting thou shouldest not regard me, for I am vile and selfish; yet I seek thee, and when I find thee there is no more wrath to devour me, but only sweet love.
Thou dost stand as a rock between the scorching sun and my soul, and I live under the cool lee-side as one elect.
When my mind acts without thee it spins nothing but deceit and delusion; nothing is seen but dead works.
O how I need thee to abide in me, for I have no natural eyes to see thee, but I live by faith in one whose face to me is brighter than a thousand suns!
When I see that all sin is in me, all shame belongs to me; let me know that all good is in thee, all glory is thine.
Keep me from the error of thinking thou dost appear gloriously when some strange light fills my heart, as if that were the glorious activity of grace, but let me see that the truest revelation of thyself is when thou dost eclipse all my personal glory and all the honour, pleasure, and good of this world.
The Son breaks out in glory when he shows himself as one who outshines all creation, makes men poor in spirit, and helps them to find their good in him. Grant that I may distrust myself, to see my all in thee."

-Love to Jesus, Valley of Vision

Summer weather in my heart.

Repose.

Heavenly Father,

My faith is in thee,
My expectation is from thee,
My love goes out toward thee.

I believe thee,
accept thy Word,
acquiesce in thy will,
rely on thy promises,
trust thy providence.

I bless thee that the court of conscience
proves me to be thine.

I do not need signs and wonders to believe,
for thy Word is sure truth.

I have cast my anchor in the port of peace,
knowing that present and future are in nail-pierced hands.

Thou are so good, wise, just holy,
that no mistake is possible to thee.

Thou are fountain and source of all law;
what thou commandest is mine to obey.

I yield to they sovereignty all that I am and have;
do with me as thou wilt.

Thou hast given me silence in my heart
in place of murmurings and complaints.

Keep my wishes from growing into willings,
my willings from becoming fault-finding with thy providences,
and have mercy on me.

If I sin and am rebellious, help me to repent;
then take away my mourning and give me music;
remove my sackcloth and adorn me with beauty;
take away my sighs and fill my mouth with songs;
and when I am restored and rest in thee
give me summer weather in my heart.

--Valley of Vision

I Really Hate Shots.

So recently I got into this internship/volunteer program at this hospital in Long Beach. I had to go into the Student Health Center to make sure my Hep B was all up to date and to get a more current TB test. My Hep B is all done so I just needed a PPD, super easy shot. It's not like getting vaccinated where your arm is all sore for a day or two after you get the shot and it's not like the injection is all up under your arm. But I really hate shots.

The past few times when I've had to get vaccines I've gotten super dizzy and I blacked out. Partly due to the fact that before going into the doctor's office I didn't really eat that much (you would think I would have learned from the first time it happened...) but more so due to the fact that I hate shots. I don't mind needles. Giving blood is ok. But I freaking hate shots.

When I went into the health center on Friday to get my PPD, I put my brave face on and tried not to think about it too much. It was no big deal. Just a little prick and then I would get to go and hang out with Mandy. I filled out the new patient paperwork, sat around in the waiting room for a while (which was freaking gross....so many sick people! Fridays are a happenin' day at the health center). Then, I finally got called in. Filled out a little more paperwork and then it was time. I sat there and nodded my head causally as the nurse told me everything. Blah blah, not my first TB test lady. She wiped my arm down with the alcohol pad and then she busted out the needle. I was all torn whether I should look or not. I did.

Then she stuck me. I saw my skin puff up a little forming this small bump where she injected the PPD.

That's when I started to get a little woozy. I know it's not the "real" pathogen, but even just knowing that I just allowed some lady to inject me with disease freaking grossed me out. That little bump on my forearm was filled with TB (or...derivatives of...whatever). Disease is in my body swimming around all freely. Festering. Infecting.

The nurse made me sit in the hallway for a little while just to make sure I didn't have any adverse reactions to the thing and to make sure I didn't pass out. I didn't. As I sat there waiting though I started thinking about how sick it made me feel to think about these microscopic pathogens that were or could be in my body. Just thinking about it made me feel all dizzy and gross, but do I feel the same way when I contemplate my sin?

Sin is a disease that is killing my soul! And I am passively letting it. Unlike physical ailments that I would quickly try to remedy, I let my sin sit around and make it's home in my heart, only battling it sometimes when it is convenient or most pressing but otherwise not thinking much of it.

David knew his sin was freaking nasty.
Psalm 38
"O LORD, rebuke me not in your anger,
nor discipline me in your wrath!
For your arrows have sunk into me
and your hand come down on me.

There is no soundness in my flesh
because of your indignation;
there is no health in my bones
because of my sin
For my iniquities have gone over my head;
like a heavy burden, they are too heavy for me.

My wounds stink and fester
because of my foolishness,
I am utterly bowed down and prostrate;
all the day I go about mourning.
For my sides are willed with burning,
and there is no soundness in my flesh
I am feeble and crushed;
I groan because of the tumult of my heart.

...For I am ready to fall,
and my pain is ever before me.
I confess my iniquity;
I am sorry for my sin."

Fighting sin is hard. I am a sinful person trying (with sinful faculties) to examine my sinful and deceitful heart to kill sin in myself. I love what Watson says about mortifying sin (perhaps one day I shall blog about the books on sin I have read...). In "Heaven Taken by Storm", Watson says this on finding the strength to fight sin:

"Fight against fleshly lusts with spiritual weapons: faith and prayer. The best way to combat sin is upon our knees. Run to the promise in Romans 6:14: 'Sin shall not have dominion over you,' or, as the Greek word is, it shall not lord it. Beg the strength of Christ (Philippians 9:13) [uh...for real the book says 9:13...but I think it's..4:13?]. Samson's strength lay in his hair; ours lies in our head, Christ."

Side note: Can I just say that Watson is a freaking gangster??? Love him.

The strength and ability to fight sin come solely in and through Christ. It's crazy and crazy comforting to know also that God desires my sanctification more than I do! My personal holiness is in His will. "For this is the will of God, your sanctification..." (1 Thess. 4:3)

Man, hopefully I will continue moving toward seeing my sin as God sees it. Worse than TB. Worse than Hep B, HIV. Worse than H1N1.

"Do we desire as much to look like Christ as to live with Christ?"

God's grace made manifest through my family part 4: Kaity

In a couple of days my sister will be 18. I remember being 18. I thought I would be all mature and hot. Not true. For Kaity though, I think it will be. In terms of hotness, we've already voted her the hottest sister. As for maturity, she's way farther than I was at her age and even now, she continues to be a huge source of encouragement for me.

Kaity is probably the most logical and rational out of all us sisters. She thinks about things and sees them plainly as they are without letting her emotions influence her thinking. Very black and white and factual, which can sometimes get her into trouble. People (and I've done this too) take her strange rationality and seeming lack of emotion and her introverted-ness as being cold and uncaring.

Though she might come off as cold and uncaring and stoic, I know it's not true. God has done a lot of work in her heart, transforming her from the girl who once said, "When I met someone who was mean and bitter instead of thinking how awesome God's love that even this person might be saved, I thought, 'Well, now I know why there is a Hell.' I really struggled with loving my neighbor because some people just seem unlovable." He has turned her into someone who loves God and loves others. She has the biggest heart for the lost and the biggest passion for seeing souls won to and sanctified in Christ.

Throughout high school she had numerous conversations about her faith with her friends. Though they were uncomfortable and though at times they became confrontational she never stopped sharing. This past summer was really cool. Knowing that it might be her last opportunity to share the gospel with her close friends, she got them to start meeting up for Bible study. Bible study! It was her, her kind of Christian friend, her Catholic friend, and her unsaved friend, all meeting up for bible study. I remember when she told me, I was so confused and shocked. But, she is awesome and did it.The two weeks of summer break that I had at home, I was able to spend a lot of time with Kaity beacuse she only had class a couple of days during the week and because everyone else was in school or at work. We got a lot of reading and studying done at Starbucks those weeks and we also shared some good conversations. It was really amazing hearing her prayer requests for energy, compassion, and discernment when counseling and interacting with others. A lot of those interactions I had no idea about. Her ministry in the high school group at church reached far beyond talking with people who were there on Friday nights or Sunday mornings. Through email and Facebook she has kept in contact with a lot of the youth who had left the ministry or who didn't come out regularly.

More recently, she's had the opportunity to share the gospel with one of her classmates (Even as I write this, she's asking about how to 'present intelligent design to a hardcore evolutionist'). She sent this email to our college group last week:

Hey! This is Kaity with an update that couldn't wait for Thursday. Thank you to those who have been praying for me and my (persistent) friend. Last night I was able to share the gospel with him and praise God, he was very open to hearing it (he's a professing atheist so I was quite shocked). Thank you again to all those who were praying for opportunities for the gospel to arise from this awkward classmateship. Please continue to pray for him, that his heart would be softened to the gospel and that he would come to a saving knowledge of Christ and for me, that I am a good witness to him and that my life would reflect Christ's work in me. -Kaity.

God has been gracious to my sister in saving her and giving her these opportunities to share her faith. But more so, He's been gracious to me by giving me an example of one who's love for Christ genuinely flows into love for others and their souls, convicting me to seize the opportunities to share the gospel with those around me.

Happy Birthday, Kaity! (Is your presence in my life common grace or special grace?)

"Declare his glory among the nations, his marvelous works among all the peoples! For great is the LORD, and greatly to be praised; he is to be feared above all gods. For all the peoples are worthless idols, but the LORD made the heavens." Psalm 96:3-5

Shout Out.

To my Paps,

Thanks for reading my blog!

I Love Sundays.

It's been exactly (I think...) a year since I started going to Lighthouse. It's weird to think it's been that long. I love the church. To be honest, I didn't think I would be able to ever say those words while I was away at college. How could I forsake my beloved CCAC? But, I love this church with my whole heart.

I love the purple unicorn who's head and horn are still visible on the stage during the worship service despite the giant black screen that is used in attempts to block it. I love the cheesy names that all of the ministries have with words associated with light. Flashlights. Beacon, L.I.G.H.T. Gloworms. I love how there are a zillion children at church. Even if they do weird things like flipping their eyelids...they're so cute! I love the church family. They're kind and caring and fun! I really love the preaching, it's always solid.

Mostly though, I love the church because it helps me love God more.

I'm excited to see what God has planned for this year at church. The congregation is growing. Beacon staff is changing. New college kids are coming in. So exciting! I'm so blessed to be there to see what happens.

I love the church.

Dear Diary...

I have never written those words in my entire life...I don't think anyways...

While cleaning my room, I inevitably have to clean out my bookshelves. Random things get stuffed and hidden in there; old papers, mail, socks, and my books get all disheveled looking. The place where I keep all of my journals was especially crazy since I hadn't really reorganized them since they were last pulled out and thrown in a box when my family was evacuated because of the fires during my freshman year at UCI.

I started journaling regularly on Monday, August 26, 2002 when I was in 8th grade and haven't stopped since. Fourteen daily journals and three missions/ traveling ones full of exactly what was going on in my life at those times; how things were in the family, my grades, who I liked, what my homework was, the temperature, anything and almost everything is logged in those things. I think my journals are some of the more sentimental things that I own. I remember during those fires, I called home and mom asked what I wanted them to pack for me. "O MY GOSH! GRAB MY JOURNALS!!! I don't care about anything else!" To this day my dad and sisters are all, "What the heck! Don't make us bring those things! They're too heavy!" My precious memories are of little value to them. I'm not sure exactly why my attachment to them is so great. It's not like I frequently sit and read through them, they certainly are not filled with the most profound thoughts, and I probably wont pass them down to my progeny. But, I like them.
The rare occasions that I do skim through my journals, I have mixed emotions. Mostly of embarrassment because I was so dumb and also of thankfulness and gratitude to God for His grace in my life. Reading through my journals, God's work in my life is evident even if it wasn't apparent then, it is now. I'm a pretty consistent journaler, rarely missing more than a week's worth of journal entries and for the most part my entries are fairly detailed. I don't know why I journal like this, but I am glad that I do. It makes it super easy to look back and see how I was/am being sanctified, prayers answered, and God's hand in it all. I can read and see what an angsty, selfish, prideful, impatient, worldly 8th grader I was and then see the change as God drew me nearer to Himself and matured me. My choice in journals has even matured!
This time as I was skimming through them, I got a little sad. Over and over again I have to pray, "God help me be more aware of Your grace in my life. Draw me nearer to Christ and the cross." You would think that after so many years I would have figured out how to keep the gospel at the forefront of my mind & that Christ would be the motivation for all that I do. But I'm dumb and haven't, not completely anyways. Reading my old entries I can see how my my thoughts and actions are slowly moving towards a more christlike direction, but yes, progress is slow.

There really isn't a rational reason for me to keep my journals around or to make my family pack them up when they have to evacuate. But they are testaments of God's grace and faithfulness in my life transforming me from "one degree of glory to another". I think I will keep them around a little longer.

Safety Nets.

CCM does this [weird] thing where after the speaker gives the message we discuss it with people around us for like 15 min. I remember this one time I was talking about the message that the speaker had just given on the sufficiency of Christ vs. the insufficiency of the OT sacrificial system, and I wanted to fight this one guy. OK, maybe not physically, but with my words I wanted to blast him. First, he started out by saying "I've very knowledgeable in the sacrificial system." Ok, I might think those things a lot of times, that I know more than the Average Joe, but I don't freaking say it out loud. Anyways. So right off the bat I wanted to smack that guy. But then he went on and on about how thinking too much about the sufficiency of Christ lessens the weight of sin and cheapens grace, that Christians use it as a safety net. That is when I all crazy (which probably was not the best thing...I need to be more gracious...)

Today, I was doing my QT (I am still on that one year Bible reading plan...except it's been almost 2 years........). I'm almost done. I have a lot of the historical books to read, some of the prophets, the last half of Acts & Revelation. Ok, that is actually a lot. Freak. But I digress!

I finished the Law today. Got through Leviticus and ended Deuteronomy. Dude, can I just say that reading all that is freaking burdensome. And scary! It's not even merely a list of do's and don'ts. It's do this or be cursed. Do this or die. It's serious business.

"..if you do not obey the voice of the LORD your God or be careful to do all his commandments and his statutes that I command you today, then all these curses shall come upon you and overtake you."

There are some freaking crazy curses in there!!!

I was reading and thinking, "O my gosh! I couldn't do that! I can't do that! If I lived back then in OT times I would have for sure been annihilated!"

And then, I was reminded that I do not live in the OT times and that I have an all sufficient Saviour.

"There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death. For God has done what the law, weakened by the flesh , could not do. By sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh and for sin, he condemned sin in the flesh, in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fulfilled in us, who walk not according to the flesh but according to the Spirit."

I have a safety net in Jesus who is far greater than my own efforts to keep every single commandment. He's the only one keeping me from falling into the pits of Hell and nothing I have done, can do, or will do will ever contribute to that. And I am so thankful! I am freed from the Law!

I understand a little what that one guy in CCM was saying...kind of...even the Christians writing to Paul had problems, "Should we continue to sin that grace may abound???" Misunderstood and misapplied the superiority of Christ to the Law could allow for a cheapening of grace and a weak view of sin.

But rightly understood, I think it makes both, grace and sin, much much greater.

Grace is great because I shouldn't be freed from the Law. I should have to keep every commandment. God is holy. I should obey perfectly. But graciously, through Christ, I am freed from the punishment of the Law. No longer do I need to worry about being cursed or killed for disobeying. And in the same vein, sin becomes greater because my sin was placed upon Christ. He suffered my punishment for my disobedience. I know the worth and weight of my sin. It cost God his Son. It cost my guiltless, sinless, Saviour his life.

So yes, I do use Christ as a safety net. But it is imperative that I do because he is all I have.

The breast thing ever. (God's grace made manifest pt. 3)

It seems like these days everyone is all about the "prosperity gospel". Everyone loves the idea of God granting to believers health and wealth because "He is faithful" and they love misapplying Jeremiah 29:11. As if God would be less faithful or less sovereign were He to allow trials to come into our lives. They say a good and loving God cannot be like that. He just wants us to have "our best lives now".

To steal from Piper, "I hate the prosperity gospel." I hate the idea that because I am a christian and because God was faithful enough to help Moses' parents keep him hidden for 3 months that that means He should make me fruitful in this life now. I hate how people emphasize finding peace and trust in God because He will prosper us now. I hate it. I think it cheapens grace and it makes Eternity dull and plain.

On a more--I guess, "tangible" level, I hate the prosperity gospel and essentially that whole method of knowing God because there is too much sucky stuff that happens. If I were to bank all my notions of God's faithfulness on how much He has 'blessed' me or those around me with possessions or health or wealth, He would seem to be cruel, mean, and unfaithful. People die. They get sick. They get into car accidents. They loose jobs. Fail tests, wear mismatched socks, and have bad hair days.

Today is the eve of my mother's birthday. She's pretty old, but doesn't look a day over 30 & she still has the humor of a teenage boy. A couple of years ago my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. It was tough times for the family. Though mom tried to do all her normal activities my sisters and I had to step it up and take on more responsibilities. Driving to school, practices, appointments, etc. Doing laundry, washing dishes, cleaning the house. Cooking (though we didn't have to do too much of that. A lot of people donated meals to my family which was a huge help.)

It was hard. Everyone else's mom's were there to help them do things. Not even important things, just things. I remember there would be times when I would become angry and frustrated out of selfishness, thinking things were not fair. In hindsight I was really dumb.

Through that time though God was ever gracious and good as He had been before and will continue to be. Because of my mother's cancer we learned the reality of the brevity of life and very tangibly we saw genuine faith that saves manifested in my parents' dealing with the situation.

God has worked good from my mother's cancer even outside of our family becoming more sanctified. The experience has given us a new ability to empathize with others in their suffering (which probably only Kimberly had the ability to do before...we aren't very emotionally sensitive people). Mom has had numerous friends diagnosed with breast cancer & is able to help them deal with the disease, not only in terms of what to expect as far as treatments go, but also how she is able to see her cancer as a blessing.

At Lighthouse we've been learning about "living between two world" and there has been a strong emphasis on suffering. At retreat Ps. Nam hit on it hard too saying that suffering was one of the ways which God brings about our sanctification because suffering loosens the chains of the world on our hearts. It's true. How petty, meaningless, and small the things of this world become when we are faced with trials and are forced to fix our eyes on Christ. If only our spiritual amnesia was not so intense, too quickly and too easily do we get distracted by the temporal pleasures of this world. As C.S. Lewis said, "We are far too easily pleased."

It's a scary thing to recognize that suffering is not only a gift of grace but it is also that which will help bring about your sanctification and brings you closer to Christ. John Bunyan knew suffering well and said, "Were it lawful, I could pray for greater trouble, for the greater comfort's sake." To not only have joy in trials when they come but also asking for trials to come.

My mother has been cancer free for a couple of years now. Her hair might not have grown back completely, but at least she is alive. Actually, I think if you were to ask my mom how that "at least..." statement should read she would say something to the effect of "At least my cancer caused people to cherish Christ more."

Happy Birthday, Momma. Thanks for continually teaching me how to be a godly girl & always reminding me what is important in life.

"So teach us to number our days, that we may present to You a heart of wisdom." Psalm 90: 12

Exhausted Yet Refreshed.

It's 2am ish and I am tired. But it is that sucky tired where you are too tired to sleep. It is a good thing I don't have class tomorrow.

This past weekend I was able to go to Lighthouse's 2nd all church retreat. Being able to attend that retreat was such a blessing. I was able to spend time with Elyse (I think that is the most days we've slept together in the same room haha) and I was able to get to know more people in the church (honestly, I've almost been there for a year and there are still those times when I'm pretty sure I'm seeing someone for the first time). More than that though, retreat provided me a weekend to rest (maybe not in terms of hours of sleep) and reflect on God's goodness in my life. Time just keeps flying by and it's been difficult to stop and remember God's grace in salvation, the past year, and in everyday life.

The theme of the retreat was Above and Ps. Nam gave six strong messages on how to live our lives in light of the next. I really liked Ps. Nam. His messages were clear and I especially liked how he didn't give us application points and how he referred back to the original languages for grammar. Without the application points you really have to work and allow the text to convict you. I think it makes messages heavier and more personal. All the grammar made me miss Greek a lot. There is so much information that is all subtext! Maybe I will go steal Machen from home.

I think the three big things I am taking away from retreat are that 1.) the Gospel is applicable not just at the point of justification, but also through sanctification, to glorification and into Eternity, 2.) I should welcome suffering, not just if God brings about a trial in my life, but I should pray for suffering if it will bring about sanctification, and 3.) my Anchor holds within the veil.

So Christ centered--the preaching, worship (I love the hymns!), even the kids' songs were straight up Scripture (how do you like them apples, M&M choir??)

It was a good weekend even with the raw spam and being uncomfortably close to other people in the church.

Caring Love

ALL-SUFFICIENT KING,

When I come into thy presence I see the glory of thy perfections, the throne of eternal and universal empire, the ten thousand times ten thousand who minister to thee.

Impress my mind with the consciousness of they greatness, not to drive me from thee but to inspire me to approach thee; not to diminish my confidence in thee, but to lead me to admire thy great condescension.

Thou has been mindful of me and visited me, taken charge of me from birth, cared in all conditions for me, fed me at thy table, drawn the curtains of love around me, given me new mercies every morning.

Suffer me not to forget that I look for yet greater blessings--a hope beyond the grave, the earnest and foretastes of immorality, holiness, wisdom, strength, peace, joy; all these thou hast provided for me in Christ.

I grieve to think how insensible I have been of the claims of thy authority, and the endearments of thy love; how little I have credited thy truth, trusted they promises, feared they threats, obeyed thy commands, improved my advantages, welcomed thy warnings, responded to thy grace; but notwithstanding my desert I yet live.

May they goodness always lead me to repentance, and thy longsuffering prove my salvation.

-Valley of Vision.

Modesty & Godliness.

A woman who focuses on worshiping God will consider carefully how she is dressed, because her heart will dictate her wardrobe and appearance.

- John MacArthur

A Cry for Devliverance

HEAVENLY FATHER,

Save me entirely from sin. I know I am righteous through the righteousness of Another, but I pant and pine for likeness to Thyself; I am Thy child and should bear Thy image, enable me to recognize my death unto sin; when it tempts me may I be dead unto its voice.

Deliver me from the invasion as well as the dominion of sin. Grant me to walk as Christ walked, to live in the newness of His life, the life of love, the life of faith, the life of holiness.

I abhor my body of death, its indolence, envy, meanness, pride. Forgive, and kill these vices, have mercy on my unbelief, on my corrupt and wandering heart.

When Thy blessings come I begin to idolize them, and set my affection on some beloved object - children, friends, wealth, honour; cleanse this spiritual adultery and give me chastity; close my heart to all by Thee.

Sin is my greatest curse; let Thy victory by apparent to my consciousness, and displayed in my life. Help me to be always devoted, confident, obedient, resigned, childlike in my trust of Thee, to love Thee with body, soul, mind and strength, to love my fellow-man as I love myself, to be saved from unregenerate temper, hard thoughts, slanderous words, meanness, unkind manners, to master my tongue and keep the door of my lips.

Fill me with grace daily, that my life be a fountain of sweet water.

- From Valley of Vision - a Collection of Puritan Prayers

Big Lessons from that Little Bean.

Since my senior year in high school my affinity toward this little bean has grown tremendously to the point where today, I would consider myself an addict. What began as a small liking for the thing has grown to a strong dependency and it seems that towards the end of each quarter the amount of it I consume increases. Coffee, how I love thee.

Starbucks. Coffeebean. Pete's. McDonald's. Gourmet. Crappy. It doesn't matter as long as it vaguely tastes of coffee and so long as it is not decaf I will drink it.

Elyse and I were talking about our addictions today and our love for the small, smooth, roasted little bean. When we wake up in the morning we look forward to that first cup of the day. At night, before I go to bed, I mentally plan how my morning will go allotting time to perk a pot. Wake up. Pee. Wash hands. Brush teeth. While brushing teeth start coffee. Finish brushing. Wash face. etc. etc. Or if I want to sleep in, I always have some instant on hand.

My addiction is pretty bad. If I don't have at least a cup in the morning I am pretty tired and fatigued. Not only that, the worst part is the headaches I get if I don't drink any. They start small like little shadows right behind my eye sockets but slowly the pain spreads until the only refuge I can find is in sleep and a few capsules of Advil.

Elyse's and my addiction is bad. And sad (though mine is worse than hers). But what makes it even worse is when our addiction and love for that little bean is compared to our love for God and His Word. I long for that hot steamy cup in the mornings and I eagerly anticipate it as I brush my teeth. But reading the Word--that's easy for me to push back to do later in the day. If I skip my necessary cup of joe I get headaches, but if I forgo reading the Word or meditating on Scripture or praying my soul still rests at ease.

What is wrong with me? How is it that the affections of my taste buds are stronger than the affections of my heart?

How is it that I can so easily replace the Giver with the gift? How can I love coffee more than God? Shameful. How I loathe my idolatrous heart! But God is ever gracious and now every time I look at my coffee mug or travel mug or paper cup I'm forced to examine my heart. Sadly, so far it's still been a struggle. I still feel like I love coffee more than I love God. I feel like I love everything more than God. O that I would love God and treasure His Word.

The law of the LORD is perfect, restoring the soul;

The testimony of the LORD is sure, making wise the simple.

The precepts of the LORD are right, rejoicing the heart;

The commandment of the LORD is pure, enlightening the eyes.

The fear of the LORD is clean, enduring forever;

The judgements of the LORD are true; they are righteous altogether.

They are more desirable than gold, yes, than much fine gold;

Sweeter also than honey and the drippings of the honeycomb.

Moreover, by them Your servant is warned;

In keeping them there is great reward.

Who can discern his errors? Acquit me of hidden faults.

Also keep back Your servant from presumptuous sins;

Let them not rule over me;

Then I will be blameless,

And I shall be acquitted of great transgression.

Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart

Be acceptable in Your sight

O LORD my rock and my Redeemer.

-Psalm 19

God's grace made manifest through the family (Part 2)

Car Rides.

One of the things I have come to love most about being home is riding in the car with the family. For the most part it's pretty normal. For the most part we do what normal families do while riding in the van (or as normal as we can get anyways...). We sing along with the songs that play on the radio. We take naps. We take ugly pictures of each other while taking naps...you know those ones where the person is all passed out with their mouth open. We play "I spy..." (that is a lie. we haven't done that since i was in high school...). We do normal things.

But car rides have never been normal in that my parents have always tried to use that time to teach us about God. For as long as I can remember we've always had at least one Johnny Mac sermon in the car and if the radio or some other CD wasn't playing it was a sermon. We even listened and still listen to sermons on the way to church!

When I was younger I really didn't appreciate this as much as I should have. Once the sermon went on my earphones went in or I would try and sleep (I was such a pagan child!). For some reason (aka God's grace) the headphones eventually came out and I started paying attention and so did my sisters. I've learned a lot from those car ride sermons. I remember listening to JMac's "Prodigal Son" over and over again in the car because our whole family was so amazed that it wasn't just a story of a father forgiving a son, but it was a parable of sin and shame that clearly presented the Gospel.

I think that's when my other favorite part about our car rides came about. Well, that's a lie. My parents tried to get us to talk about "deeper" things when we were younger by asking what we learned in Sunday school or by trying to teach us life lessons. For instance, I clearly remember one time we went to Burger King drive thru and it was when the Pocahontas cups were out. We were going to get 2 of them and Kaity and I were staking claim on them before we got to the last pick up window. Neither of us wanted the Governor Ratcliffe cup. It was ugly and he was the bad guy. So we were bickering in the backseat. I remember my mom turning around, telling us to stop and then saying that they "didn't belong to us." We knew what that meant. We didn't pay for them. They belonged to Mom or Dad. But then Mom told us they didn't belong to them either. I was so confused. What the heck? Who did they belong to then? Mom said they belonged to God as did everything else in the entire world.

Looking back that was a pretty crazy illustration....but hilarious.  

Anyways back to what I like about car rides with my family. Singing is fun. Listening to sermons is encouraging. But what is the best part for me is the conversations that we have. They get pretty deep and theological. It's weird. I don't know how it started. But it's fun, everyone in the family discusses. It gets pretty crazy too, since we're all pretty passionate debaters slash we can get hot headed. Except Dad, he is the only one who is gracious in his responses.

The last time I was home we were in the car talking about where Jesus was on Saturday or rather where His soul was. I don't know if we came up with a definitive answer yet. Mom thinks Jesus was in Hell because He had to endure the full wrath of God. Kaity thinks that the cross was sufficient or Christ would not have been able to say "It is finished." I think I side more with Kaity...but regardless, these are the kinds of things we talk about in the car and at home.

Dad likes to play Devil's advocate and throw these crazy questions at us that really challenge our notions of God and make us really think about what we believe instead of blindly believing. When we were going through Job he asked us if Job would have still seen God as sovereign and good if God had not restored all his possessions to him at the end of the book? Would we see God as sovereign had he not? Or when we were studying 1 John and looking at the creation of Creation--namely man, he asked us, "If Creation was just a manifestation of the Father's love for the Son and the Son's love for the Father, doesn't that just make it seem like humans were just created for fun?"

I think I've learned and grown more from those few conversations I've had with my family than from the many I've had with friends I see everyday. 

Car rides are the best.

God's grace made manifest through the family.

After almost a month away from home and my beloved CCAC, I finally returned this weekend. I missed being home. Sleeping in my own bed. Having infinite amounts of ice cream at my disposal. The comfort of my own backyard to tan my pale self. Mostly, I like being home and spending time with the family (I know...I'm a homebody...and I am ok with that.) Messing with my parents and annoying my sisters brings me so much joy.

But all joking aside, being able to go home after a stressful month made me so thankful for my family. I was really able to see how gracious God has been to me in allowing me to be part of my family, as crazy and wild they might be. And so that has prompted me to do a short series. Primarily for myself, it will give me a chance to really examine and appreciate God's faithful, sovereign grace in my life made manifest through my family.

And so to kick it off, I will begin with the most recent manifestation--Allison's baptism.

One of my 3 younger sisters, Allison, "the third Harada", is four years younger than me. A sophomore in high school, she just went to her first prom and is just finishing up her 2nd season of swim on the varsity team. She's a super gifted artist with a "spunky" personality that few can handle and fully appreciate. And today she got baptized.

If you were to have met her last year you probably wouldn't have ever thought this day would have come unless some crazy divine intervention occurred. It was tough times for her and the family, but like I said, God is faithful and gracious. Today, my sister is not only alive physically by the grace of God but by that same grace she also has life eternal.

I asked her if I could post her testimony, so here it is. It's also here at the church website.

Hi, I’m Allison, for those that don’t know me, I been at CCAC for about 6 years, but I’ve been exposed to the Bible and church my whole life.  I didn’t really understand it all, and I surely didn’t see what a blessing it was, when I was younger. I called myself a Christian, but I merely believed whatever I was taught.  God loved me and I should love Him too.  I didn’t understand the significance of the Cross or the unfathomable measures of God’s grace, and it showed in the way I lived.  I didn’t live like Christ died for me, but instead like He owed me something.

 

Up until Jr. High, I had never questioned whether or not I was a Christian; I did good things.  Or rather, I never did anything too bad, and figured that that would be enough for God, that He should be happy that I wasn’t super bad.  However, as I first started to pave the way for the nickname “the rebel Harada” by mixing in with the wrong group, I asked myself if I really loved God.  I would hear sermons about how we should “be amazed at the glory of God”.  I wasn’t amazed, I wasn’t awestruck; but I didn’t want to believe I wasn’t a Christian.  So, I stopped questioning and kept on living my life with a hardened heart and a false, selfish Gospel that could never save me.  Though, I suppressed the doubt in my mind, God kept reminding me of His importance, though I tried to ignore it, as I struggled the next year.

 

At the start of high school, I immediately faced difficulty.  Everything seemed so much harder and I was inadequate and overwhelmed.  I felt lonely, tired and angry; I never trusted God enough with my life to not worry.  I began inflicting pain upon myself and it got to a point where I thought that suicide was the only answer.  I was in trouble, but my pride told me that I could get through it. So I wore a smile everywhere I went, pretending to be what I thought people wanted to me to be.  Sitting through classes, church, and Branching Out like nothing was wrong, all the while being truly miserable.  I blamed everyone around me for not being there for me, for not loving me, for me wanting to die.

So, I kept asking God why He was doing this to me.  Hadn’t I done enough for Him?  Wasn’t I good enough?  I loved Him, why didn’t He love me?  Somewhere in my head, I knew I didn’t love God.  I only loved myself.  I wasn’t thankful for the work He had done on the Cross, and the fact that He died for my sins meant nothing to me other than, as Allen says, a “Get out of Jail Free card”.  I was so selfish and prideful; I was living Ephesians 2:1 and truly “dead in my trespasses and sins” and it hit me like a train.  I didn’t know what to do, so I prayed a familiar prayer that I had once said with empty words and a shallow heart, this time with an understanding of my disgusting sin against God and a longing for His forgiveness and a life of following Him.  Purely by His grace, God broke me so that I could finally realize that He alone could heal me.  That to lose myself was to gain an infinitely greater Christ.

As my friend Katherine and I were preparing our testimonies to share with you today, we took a look back at our journals from when we were unsaved.  We both concluded that they were filled with “stupid stuff” like “blah blah whiny me me me”.  Oh, how I’d like to slap my unsaved-self.  Thankfully, God allowed me to recognize that I was selfish and I wasn’t good enough, no one is good enough, but GOD.  The words that Ps. Danny repeated over and over at Reality Retreat I had clicked at last. Everything that all the pastors had been trying to drill in my head finally clicked!  I comprehended the reality of the urgency they spoke with every Sunday and Friday, and I’m so thankful that they did.  I’m so grateful that God chose these men to lead me and continue to teach me, especially in youth group.  I don’t know what kinds of shenanigans I would have gotten into, or if I’d even be alive right now if it weren’t for that “but God”.  I’m now grateful for the trials that God put me through during that year and the pain I went through because He humbled me and brought me to Him.  CS Lewis said “God cannot give us a happiness and peace apart from Himself, because it is not there. There is no such thing.”  He is absolutely right, and I have found peace and joy in Christ, my Savior.