I'm so lame.

At the beginning of the quarter, my class finally set the theme for CCM Senior Banquet. As the verse for the event we chose Hebrews 12: 1-2, "Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance and sin which so easily entangles u, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfector of our faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God."

We made save the date/pseudo-invitations to hand out at large group. I wrote the note on the back that explained the theme, why we chose the verse, why this was an important message for the seniors and why it was an important message to Christians as a whole. I was silently proud of what I had written. It was good (or I thought so anyways. Even now rereading it, I think it is...anyways)

But I am so lame.

Exercising patience has been difficult. Loving and caring for the souls of others seems like such a burden. Trusting in God's goodness and sovereignty has been hard. Ministry has become a tiresome thing.

I am so lame.

In seeking to find some sympathy for my tired and basically melancholic soul, I picked up Brainerd's journal. The book had been neglected since the beginning of this school year because the diary was long and Brainerd's nearly unfailing depressed disposition was not something I could easily relate to at the time. But these past couple of weeks, in need of a friend to mope with, I was reminded of Mr. Brainerd and revisited his diary.

I am so lame.

Reading Brainerd's diary has been one of the best things as I wallow. He was prone to depression, but his depression came from the sight of his own sinfulness. If anyone had the right to be depressed because of circumstance it was him. A missionary to the Native Americans, his life wasn't easy. He was alone. His horse was frequently broken or stolen. He was often ill. But, as much as I have read so far, he has yet to complain about those things. His sadness and sorrow come from not being godly enough, not hating sin as much as he should, not being able to serve in a way that would give God the highest glory, etc. etc. And here I am wallowing because I think ministry here is hard.

I am so lame.

Along with reading Brainerd, I've been listening to Christian biographies and I love Adoniram Judson. This guy lived with Eternity in mind. Trial after trial came into his life, whether that be the death of a wife, a child, lack of converts, sickness, or the like, but he still endured. All for the sake of Christ with Heaven in sight. And I am here complaining about these petty trivial things. Worrying more about what other people think, rather than how to best serve and glorify God.

I am so lame.

But God is so gracious and good.

So good, that He would bring to mind Brainerd and Judson and let their lives both rebuke and encourage me in this time. If I would have taken Hebrews 12:1-2 to heart and read to myself what I wrote on the back of those invites maybe my pity party would not have been so long. We glance at the saints and we gaze at Christ. Judson and Brainerd were both men who lived lives spent for the gospel and o that I would do the same. Christ, for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross. His joy is the joy of saving sinners. Following Christ's example we find sanctification to be, not a burden, but a joy.

While I don't think this period of wallowing is yet over, I am thankful for it. I have been forced to examine my own heart, its motives and intentions. It's been a good reminder that sanctification is no walk in the park and that struggling and suffering produce godly character.

Over the summer a friend was telling me about how when a sheep would continue to stray from the shepherd, the shepherd would break the sheep's leg or something so that the shepherd would have to carry the sheep. And even after the wound began to heal, the still injured sheep would have to stay close to the shepherd because it was totally dependent on him. I want to be that sheep that is kept and stays near God.

If God has to break me so that I stay my heart on Him, then I want to be lame.

Here I stand.

I remember when we watched "Luther" in Branching Out, back in the day when the Reformation was just a thing from my AP Euro text book, I was less than amused by the film. Luther, smuther. Justification by faith alone. Blah. Blah. But now, I see Luther as awesome and when I listen to "Here I Stand", I get goosebumps and almost cry.

These next couple of days mark the days that Luther stood before the Diet of Worms refuting the papacy and bringing forth the Reformation. As I think of Luther and the countless others like him who have suffered for the faith, it makes me think a lot about the cost of discipleship. I love how God orchestrates things so that I will hear messages and read about the same things, so that the message is freaking pounded into my brain because if it's not He knows I will not get it.

So the cost of discipleship I heard at retreat from Allen, read about how Peter was willing to follow Christ in John 6, and then at CCM Dr. Harris talked about how through being disciples we are to be good stewards. As Christians the demand to follow Christ is great. Deny yourself. Take up your cross. Follow me. 

It's not about our own works or anything we can do. We can't make excuses. We can't save ourselves. We turn from ourselves and cling to Christ.

John 6 is crazy. Christ feeds the 5,000 then calls Himself the Bread of Life. He tells everyone how eternal life is gained through Him. But the crowds get confused and they start to leave. Peter's response is so crazy. Christ turns to the disciples and asks them if they want to leave too, but Peter says, "Lord, to whom shall we go? You have words of eternal life. We have believed and have come to know that You are the Holy One of God." (John 6:68-69) 

What does it mean to be a disciple? If all else failed, if all others left, would I stick with Christ? Would I still see Him as the sole provider of eternal life, the Holy One of God? Would I desire Heaven solely because God is there? 

Or would my faith crumble at the slightest pressure exerted against it and would I prove myself not a disciple?

I know how I want myself to answer those questions. No, my faith would not crumble. It would withstand the test. I would hold fast to my confession of faith.

But realistically and practically it doesn't play out. I don't suffer for Christ. It's not even that I don't suffer enough. I don't suffer at all. Nor do I oft think Christ to be my only sustenance, the Bread of Life. My faith is so so small! The price paid for my soul, so great, yet my so small is the cost on my part! 

I'm thankful that God is patient and gracious, that He would give me opportunities to reflect upon my own soul and the condition of my heart. What a joy and comfort to know that God desires my sanctification even more than I do myself (1 Thess. 4:3)! If called, as Luther was, to defend the faith, I hope I will say as he did, "Here I stand, I can do no other, so help me God. Amen."

Loving Others.

"We need not climb up into heaven to see whether our sins are forgiven. Let us look into our hearts and see if we can forgive others. If we can, we need not doubt that God has forgiven us."

-Watson.