Summer weather in my heart.

Repose.

Heavenly Father,

My faith is in thee,
My expectation is from thee,
My love goes out toward thee.

I believe thee,
accept thy Word,
acquiesce in thy will,
rely on thy promises,
trust thy providence.

I bless thee that the court of conscience
proves me to be thine.

I do not need signs and wonders to believe,
for thy Word is sure truth.

I have cast my anchor in the port of peace,
knowing that present and future are in nail-pierced hands.

Thou are so good, wise, just holy,
that no mistake is possible to thee.

Thou are fountain and source of all law;
what thou commandest is mine to obey.

I yield to they sovereignty all that I am and have;
do with me as thou wilt.

Thou hast given me silence in my heart
in place of murmurings and complaints.

Keep my wishes from growing into willings,
my willings from becoming fault-finding with thy providences,
and have mercy on me.

If I sin and am rebellious, help me to repent;
then take away my mourning and give me music;
remove my sackcloth and adorn me with beauty;
take away my sighs and fill my mouth with songs;
and when I am restored and rest in thee
give me summer weather in my heart.

--Valley of Vision

I Really Hate Shots.

So recently I got into this internship/volunteer program at this hospital in Long Beach. I had to go into the Student Health Center to make sure my Hep B was all up to date and to get a more current TB test. My Hep B is all done so I just needed a PPD, super easy shot. It's not like getting vaccinated where your arm is all sore for a day or two after you get the shot and it's not like the injection is all up under your arm. But I really hate shots.

The past few times when I've had to get vaccines I've gotten super dizzy and I blacked out. Partly due to the fact that before going into the doctor's office I didn't really eat that much (you would think I would have learned from the first time it happened...) but more so due to the fact that I hate shots. I don't mind needles. Giving blood is ok. But I freaking hate shots.

When I went into the health center on Friday to get my PPD, I put my brave face on and tried not to think about it too much. It was no big deal. Just a little prick and then I would get to go and hang out with Mandy. I filled out the new patient paperwork, sat around in the waiting room for a while (which was freaking gross....so many sick people! Fridays are a happenin' day at the health center). Then, I finally got called in. Filled out a little more paperwork and then it was time. I sat there and nodded my head causally as the nurse told me everything. Blah blah, not my first TB test lady. She wiped my arm down with the alcohol pad and then she busted out the needle. I was all torn whether I should look or not. I did.

Then she stuck me. I saw my skin puff up a little forming this small bump where she injected the PPD.

That's when I started to get a little woozy. I know it's not the "real" pathogen, but even just knowing that I just allowed some lady to inject me with disease freaking grossed me out. That little bump on my forearm was filled with TB (or...derivatives of...whatever). Disease is in my body swimming around all freely. Festering. Infecting.

The nurse made me sit in the hallway for a little while just to make sure I didn't have any adverse reactions to the thing and to make sure I didn't pass out. I didn't. As I sat there waiting though I started thinking about how sick it made me feel to think about these microscopic pathogens that were or could be in my body. Just thinking about it made me feel all dizzy and gross, but do I feel the same way when I contemplate my sin?

Sin is a disease that is killing my soul! And I am passively letting it. Unlike physical ailments that I would quickly try to remedy, I let my sin sit around and make it's home in my heart, only battling it sometimes when it is convenient or most pressing but otherwise not thinking much of it.

David knew his sin was freaking nasty.
Psalm 38
"O LORD, rebuke me not in your anger,
nor discipline me in your wrath!
For your arrows have sunk into me
and your hand come down on me.

There is no soundness in my flesh
because of your indignation;
there is no health in my bones
because of my sin
For my iniquities have gone over my head;
like a heavy burden, they are too heavy for me.

My wounds stink and fester
because of my foolishness,
I am utterly bowed down and prostrate;
all the day I go about mourning.
For my sides are willed with burning,
and there is no soundness in my flesh
I am feeble and crushed;
I groan because of the tumult of my heart.

...For I am ready to fall,
and my pain is ever before me.
I confess my iniquity;
I am sorry for my sin."

Fighting sin is hard. I am a sinful person trying (with sinful faculties) to examine my sinful and deceitful heart to kill sin in myself. I love what Watson says about mortifying sin (perhaps one day I shall blog about the books on sin I have read...). In "Heaven Taken by Storm", Watson says this on finding the strength to fight sin:

"Fight against fleshly lusts with spiritual weapons: faith and prayer. The best way to combat sin is upon our knees. Run to the promise in Romans 6:14: 'Sin shall not have dominion over you,' or, as the Greek word is, it shall not lord it. Beg the strength of Christ (Philippians 9:13) [uh...for real the book says 9:13...but I think it's..4:13?]. Samson's strength lay in his hair; ours lies in our head, Christ."

Side note: Can I just say that Watson is a freaking gangster??? Love him.

The strength and ability to fight sin come solely in and through Christ. It's crazy and crazy comforting to know also that God desires my sanctification more than I do! My personal holiness is in His will. "For this is the will of God, your sanctification..." (1 Thess. 4:3)

Man, hopefully I will continue moving toward seeing my sin as God sees it. Worse than TB. Worse than Hep B, HIV. Worse than H1N1.

"Do we desire as much to look like Christ as to live with Christ?"

God's grace made manifest through my family part 4: Kaity

In a couple of days my sister will be 18. I remember being 18. I thought I would be all mature and hot. Not true. For Kaity though, I think it will be. In terms of hotness, we've already voted her the hottest sister. As for maturity, she's way farther than I was at her age and even now, she continues to be a huge source of encouragement for me.

Kaity is probably the most logical and rational out of all us sisters. She thinks about things and sees them plainly as they are without letting her emotions influence her thinking. Very black and white and factual, which can sometimes get her into trouble. People (and I've done this too) take her strange rationality and seeming lack of emotion and her introverted-ness as being cold and uncaring.

Though she might come off as cold and uncaring and stoic, I know it's not true. God has done a lot of work in her heart, transforming her from the girl who once said, "When I met someone who was mean and bitter instead of thinking how awesome God's love that even this person might be saved, I thought, 'Well, now I know why there is a Hell.' I really struggled with loving my neighbor because some people just seem unlovable." He has turned her into someone who loves God and loves others. She has the biggest heart for the lost and the biggest passion for seeing souls won to and sanctified in Christ.

Throughout high school she had numerous conversations about her faith with her friends. Though they were uncomfortable and though at times they became confrontational she never stopped sharing. This past summer was really cool. Knowing that it might be her last opportunity to share the gospel with her close friends, she got them to start meeting up for Bible study. Bible study! It was her, her kind of Christian friend, her Catholic friend, and her unsaved friend, all meeting up for bible study. I remember when she told me, I was so confused and shocked. But, she is awesome and did it.The two weeks of summer break that I had at home, I was able to spend a lot of time with Kaity beacuse she only had class a couple of days during the week and because everyone else was in school or at work. We got a lot of reading and studying done at Starbucks those weeks and we also shared some good conversations. It was really amazing hearing her prayer requests for energy, compassion, and discernment when counseling and interacting with others. A lot of those interactions I had no idea about. Her ministry in the high school group at church reached far beyond talking with people who were there on Friday nights or Sunday mornings. Through email and Facebook she has kept in contact with a lot of the youth who had left the ministry or who didn't come out regularly.

More recently, she's had the opportunity to share the gospel with one of her classmates (Even as I write this, she's asking about how to 'present intelligent design to a hardcore evolutionist'). She sent this email to our college group last week:

Hey! This is Kaity with an update that couldn't wait for Thursday. Thank you to those who have been praying for me and my (persistent) friend. Last night I was able to share the gospel with him and praise God, he was very open to hearing it (he's a professing atheist so I was quite shocked). Thank you again to all those who were praying for opportunities for the gospel to arise from this awkward classmateship. Please continue to pray for him, that his heart would be softened to the gospel and that he would come to a saving knowledge of Christ and for me, that I am a good witness to him and that my life would reflect Christ's work in me. -Kaity.

God has been gracious to my sister in saving her and giving her these opportunities to share her faith. But more so, He's been gracious to me by giving me an example of one who's love for Christ genuinely flows into love for others and their souls, convicting me to seize the opportunities to share the gospel with those around me.

Happy Birthday, Kaity! (Is your presence in my life common grace or special grace?)

"Declare his glory among the nations, his marvelous works among all the peoples! For great is the LORD, and greatly to be praised; he is to be feared above all gods. For all the peoples are worthless idols, but the LORD made the heavens." Psalm 96:3-5

Shout Out.

To my Paps,

Thanks for reading my blog!