I'm so lame.

At the beginning of the quarter, my class finally set the theme for CCM Senior Banquet. As the verse for the event we chose Hebrews 12: 1-2, "Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance and sin which so easily entangles u, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfector of our faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God."

We made save the date/pseudo-invitations to hand out at large group. I wrote the note on the back that explained the theme, why we chose the verse, why this was an important message for the seniors and why it was an important message to Christians as a whole. I was silently proud of what I had written. It was good (or I thought so anyways. Even now rereading it, I think it is...anyways)

But I am so lame.

Exercising patience has been difficult. Loving and caring for the souls of others seems like such a burden. Trusting in God's goodness and sovereignty has been hard. Ministry has become a tiresome thing.

I am so lame.

In seeking to find some sympathy for my tired and basically melancholic soul, I picked up Brainerd's journal. The book had been neglected since the beginning of this school year because the diary was long and Brainerd's nearly unfailing depressed disposition was not something I could easily relate to at the time. But these past couple of weeks, in need of a friend to mope with, I was reminded of Mr. Brainerd and revisited his diary.

I am so lame.

Reading Brainerd's diary has been one of the best things as I wallow. He was prone to depression, but his depression came from the sight of his own sinfulness. If anyone had the right to be depressed because of circumstance it was him. A missionary to the Native Americans, his life wasn't easy. He was alone. His horse was frequently broken or stolen. He was often ill. But, as much as I have read so far, he has yet to complain about those things. His sadness and sorrow come from not being godly enough, not hating sin as much as he should, not being able to serve in a way that would give God the highest glory, etc. etc. And here I am wallowing because I think ministry here is hard.

I am so lame.

Along with reading Brainerd, I've been listening to Christian biographies and I love Adoniram Judson. This guy lived with Eternity in mind. Trial after trial came into his life, whether that be the death of a wife, a child, lack of converts, sickness, or the like, but he still endured. All for the sake of Christ with Heaven in sight. And I am here complaining about these petty trivial things. Worrying more about what other people think, rather than how to best serve and glorify God.

I am so lame.

But God is so gracious and good.

So good, that He would bring to mind Brainerd and Judson and let their lives both rebuke and encourage me in this time. If I would have taken Hebrews 12:1-2 to heart and read to myself what I wrote on the back of those invites maybe my pity party would not have been so long. We glance at the saints and we gaze at Christ. Judson and Brainerd were both men who lived lives spent for the gospel and o that I would do the same. Christ, for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross. His joy is the joy of saving sinners. Following Christ's example we find sanctification to be, not a burden, but a joy.

While I don't think this period of wallowing is yet over, I am thankful for it. I have been forced to examine my own heart, its motives and intentions. It's been a good reminder that sanctification is no walk in the park and that struggling and suffering produce godly character.

Over the summer a friend was telling me about how when a sheep would continue to stray from the shepherd, the shepherd would break the sheep's leg or something so that the shepherd would have to carry the sheep. And even after the wound began to heal, the still injured sheep would have to stay close to the shepherd because it was totally dependent on him. I want to be that sheep that is kept and stays near God.

If God has to break me so that I stay my heart on Him, then I want to be lame.

Here I stand.

I remember when we watched "Luther" in Branching Out, back in the day when the Reformation was just a thing from my AP Euro text book, I was less than amused by the film. Luther, smuther. Justification by faith alone. Blah. Blah. But now, I see Luther as awesome and when I listen to "Here I Stand", I get goosebumps and almost cry.

These next couple of days mark the days that Luther stood before the Diet of Worms refuting the papacy and bringing forth the Reformation. As I think of Luther and the countless others like him who have suffered for the faith, it makes me think a lot about the cost of discipleship. I love how God orchestrates things so that I will hear messages and read about the same things, so that the message is freaking pounded into my brain because if it's not He knows I will not get it.

So the cost of discipleship I heard at retreat from Allen, read about how Peter was willing to follow Christ in John 6, and then at CCM Dr. Harris talked about how through being disciples we are to be good stewards. As Christians the demand to follow Christ is great. Deny yourself. Take up your cross. Follow me. 

It's not about our own works or anything we can do. We can't make excuses. We can't save ourselves. We turn from ourselves and cling to Christ.

John 6 is crazy. Christ feeds the 5,000 then calls Himself the Bread of Life. He tells everyone how eternal life is gained through Him. But the crowds get confused and they start to leave. Peter's response is so crazy. Christ turns to the disciples and asks them if they want to leave too, but Peter says, "Lord, to whom shall we go? You have words of eternal life. We have believed and have come to know that You are the Holy One of God." (John 6:68-69) 

What does it mean to be a disciple? If all else failed, if all others left, would I stick with Christ? Would I still see Him as the sole provider of eternal life, the Holy One of God? Would I desire Heaven solely because God is there? 

Or would my faith crumble at the slightest pressure exerted against it and would I prove myself not a disciple?

I know how I want myself to answer those questions. No, my faith would not crumble. It would withstand the test. I would hold fast to my confession of faith.

But realistically and practically it doesn't play out. I don't suffer for Christ. It's not even that I don't suffer enough. I don't suffer at all. Nor do I oft think Christ to be my only sustenance, the Bread of Life. My faith is so so small! The price paid for my soul, so great, yet my so small is the cost on my part! 

I'm thankful that God is patient and gracious, that He would give me opportunities to reflect upon my own soul and the condition of my heart. What a joy and comfort to know that God desires my sanctification even more than I do myself (1 Thess. 4:3)! If called, as Luther was, to defend the faith, I hope I will say as he did, "Here I stand, I can do no other, so help me God. Amen."

Loving Others.

"We need not climb up into heaven to see whether our sins are forgiven. Let us look into our hearts and see if we can forgive others. If we can, we need not doubt that God has forgiven us."

-Watson.

Single Minded. Wholehearted.

Spring Break. So short. But so great.

I was able to see my animals. The cat missed me. The bird loves me as does the dog. And my sisters they missed me and love me too...I hope. I got to sleep in my own bed that doesn't have a plastic covered mattress. I watched movies on video on demand and read. I was able to hang out with church friends and got to go to Sojourners and hear the Romans series that I've been missing so much!

It was a good break and everything I was able to do was such a blessing. But, I think the one thing that I loved most about break was the spiritual spanking I got from God throughout the week. It was the best. Towards the end of finals week I was struggling with somethings, namely loving others, and throughout spring break God seriously revealed to me the wickedness in my own heart.

The more I listen to sermons, read books, and study Scripture I am convinced that the only thing that matters is love for God. Our love for God should be what motivates and drives all that we do as Christians. Our love for God should spill over into everything and should move us to action. Prior to break, I looked at the Christians around me and seeing a general complacent and nearly apathetic tone decided that "Everyone hates God." Clearly they don't love Him. If they did they would be delving into the Word. If everyone loved God, then Outreach would not be the most neglected ministry. If everyone loved God, then their notions of Him and relationship with Him would not be solely based on their experiences. If everyone loved God, then they would never questions if this act or that is considered ministry, but they would see their lives themselves as ministry. If everyone loved God...

Over break I was digging through the huge book bag full of books that Dad got from Shepherd's (it was a lot of books.) and I came across one titled "Love or Die--Christ's Wake-Up Call to the Church" by Alexander Strauch. "How fitting", I thought to myself, "I will read this book so that I can own everyone after break. This is what you get if you don't love God. Death." O what a prideful and arrogant fool I am! And how gracious God is to show me my hypocrisy and sin. Freak.

I started reading the book and listening to one of Eric Chab's old sermons on "What love for God is not." And thus started the rebuke. Too often I think that things I do equate to my love for God. I turn into a Catholic thinking my works can somehow save me, that just because I might be able to do decently in Bible Trivia or because I can use big theological terms that those most certainly show that I love God. Mostly though what gets me is this, "Love for God naturally overflows into love for others." Freak. Whilst I was accusing everyone of hating God...I had this giant log in my own eye. I am so judgmental and quick to speak! I'll pick out your sin and see that as your one, primary, sole character quality. And I am not afraid to tell you either. I'll fight you about it and battle others as well. I'm a bossy, scrappy, fighter and I freaking have hate-o-rade flowing through my veins.

How's that for loving God? Freak. I am the worst. Seriously.

As the week progressed the spanking continued. Friday, I went to Branching Out (yes, even though I am 2 years removed now, I still go to high school group when I can.) and Allen preached on "True love for God is..." I just sat there and laughed to myself. Freak man. His last point was this "True love for God is in others". Loving your neighbor demonstrates that you know and understand God's love. Love God. Love others. The entire week before I was pointing the finger at others when I should have stopped and looked at my own heart and my own lack of love for God. Then, that entire week of break God held up the mirror so I could see all the warts and filth that covered my prideful, wicked heart.

And it didn't end there! Sunday, Audrey and I went to Grace. Crossroads was all about "A Life of Approval", the necessity and love of God in His discipline and the importance of being teachable. Audrey had been hearing my ranting and venting about "Everyone hating God" for the past couple of weeks. When Ps. Rick got up behind the podium he starting asking "Do you know what the number one discipline all Christians to have is? The one thing you should look for when looking for a spouse? The one character quality I want to instill in my boys? Do you know what it is? It's to be teachable." Right when he said that Audrey just nudged me and started laughing and laughing. Even before the preaching started, we sang "Beneath the Cross" (which has become one of my favorites) and that song freaking owned me too. It starts with the Gospel and then moves to how we should love others and how we should live.

Both Allen and Eric noted that Christ the greatest person...er being surveyed the greatest book, Scripture, and drew from it the most important thing. Love God and love others. (Mark 12:28- 34)

This past week was a good one. Defiantly sanctifying and humbling for sure. Freak. I just want to love God. And I want others to see Christ in me through my love for others and nothing else. Who cares how much doctrine and theology I know, who cares how worn my Bible is, how long or eloquent my prayers are if I do not love God. Freak. I just want my love for Him to be genuine, wholehearted, and humble, that my contentment would rest solely and completely in Him. So much so that were I to get to Heaven and it was perfect paradise but God was not there that it would seem like Hell to me.

Beneath the cross of Jesus

I find a place to stand,

And wonder at such mercy

That calls me as I am;

For hands that should discard me

Hold wounds which tell me, "Come."

Beneath the cross of Jesus

My unworthy soul is won.

Beneath the cross of Jesus

His family is my own--

Once strangers chasing selfish dreams,

Now one through grace alone.

How could I now dishonour

The ones that You have loved?

Beneath the cross of Jesus

See the children called by God.

Beneath the cross of Jesus--

The path before the crown--

We follow in His footsteps

Where promised hope is found.

How great the joy before us

To be His perfect bride;

Beneath the cross of Jesus

We will gladly live our lives.

The Sovereignty of God/FML, Old Age, Finals, & the Greatness of the Gospel.

I am certain that this will be one of the most scatterbrained/disorganized psychotic post that will ever grace this blog. I hope this will only be a one time thing. I am so antsy right now. The lack of sleep, coffee, and general excitement/ anxiety of finals week must be catching up to me.

FML. "EFF MY LIFE." Two weeks ago this terrible little phrase wiggled its way into my vocabulary as well as the CCM sophomore girls' as well. The stresses of BBQ, brother's appreciation, ministry, and generally school piled up and all we had to say was, "EFF MY LIFE." Such a small phrase. But, what a big and terrible meaning it has and I am not talking merely about the implied curse word associated with "EFF". The weight of those words is so much more than three letters or one four letter word can describe. FML straight up questions the sovereignty of God. FML says God, You made a mistake. God, I know what is best and this is not it. God, I do not believe that You work all things for good nor do I believe that You are in control of all things. FML is straight up heresy and blasphemy against the Father. Instead of having this knee jerk reaction to say "FML" to the stresses of life, I should ask myself, "Hey, how sovereign is your God?" and I am certain that that will shut me up in no time. How sovereign is my God? All sovereign. Sovereign enough to create Creation. Sovereign enough to command the wind and the waves. Sovereign enough for Mom to get cancer. Sovereign enough for finals week to be ok. Sovereign enough for salvation. FML has no right to be in the Christian vocabulary. How dare we cheapen the blood of Christ by lessening the value of our redeemed lives. So. How sovereign is your God?

Now on old age. I am old. It is official. I am twenty. The end.

On finals. I love finals week. Or this quarter I am really excited about it save the testing part. Studying has allowed me to get to know the 1st floor of the library very well as well as the CCM freshmen who live there too. I've also become a felon. The study centers are packed with people so we kinda mosey around looking for open classrooms and lecture halls. So, I am not sure if it is a felony. We are merely entering. No breaking.

The best part about this week though is that ELYSE IS HOME! My best fraaheennndd, whom I love. I hope we get to play.

And finally the greatness of the Gospel. At Lighthouse we've been studying the 7 sayings of Christ from the cross. It has been interesting. Today though, I loved the last song we sang. I love hymns and today the congregation sang so loud. It was the best. How marvelous, how wonderful is my Saviour's love for me! That one line should automatically eliminate FML for sure. Knowing that the Gospel applies to me automatically kills any thoughts of FML. How can my life be EFFed when I have been saved from the wrath of God through the atoning work of Christ on the cross for me. FOR MEE! So crazy.

He took my sins and my sorrows

He made them His very own

He bore the burden to Calvary

And suffered and died alone

How marvelous! How wonderful

And my song shall ever be

How marvelous! How wonderful!

Is my Saviour's love for me!

When with the ransomed in glory

His face I at last shall see

Twill be my joy through the ages

To sing of His love for me!

Do work, son.

In October of 1517, the great reformer, Martin Luther, posted his 95 Theses on the doors of Castle Church in Wittenburg, Germany. He was fighting Catholic doctrine and religious practices, namely the use of indulgences--the idea that sin could be forgiven by essentially paying the Church. Salvation reseted not in the shed blood of Christ but in doing things to earn one's way into Heaven. Luther took a stand for justification by faith alone through grace alone.

Elyse and I have almost completed our study of James and while we haven't been able to discuss that much, as our schedules have been busy and incompatible, I know that the study has been teaching each of us a lot. Lately, I have been really convicted by passages like James 2:22, 24, and 26.

"You see that faith was active along with his works, and faith was completed by his works...You see that a person is justified by works and not by faith alone...For as the body apart form the spirit is dead, so also faith apart from works is dead."

James is not arguing Catholic dogma & religious practice, the need for penance and/or indulgences-- faith BY works. Rather, he is making a case for faith THAT works. James knows that faith cannot be earned. He is exhorting his readers to action that is compelled by Christ's work on the cross for them. 

Faith and works go hand in hand, one cannot be without the other. Evidence of salvation is works, doing things out of a love for God; not to bring about salvation, but because salvation has been granted to us. We recognize that salvation and justification are by grace alone, but a heart changed by the Gospel will be pressed to do things for God's glory.

It's hard for me to walk this fine line, believing and acting upon faith THAT works. Too easy is it for my heart to fall into either legalism or lawlessness. Legalism thinking I can do something to earn a better standing with God, telling myself i don't read enough. I don't pray enough. I don't evangelize enough. "Enough" is the worst word in the Christian faith. We can't do enough. Christ did enough and praise God that His righteousness has been imputed to us that we might stand before God justified. But, at the same time, in my wickedness and depravity I twist and rape the goodness of the Gospel and turn it into antinomianism, the idea that because I am freed from the bondage of the law & am covered with Christ's righteousness, I can do [or not do] whatever the freak I please.

People who genuinely have faith THAT works are hard to come by. "Christians" usually fall into one of the camps, either legalism or its polar opposite antinomianism. I know this side of Eternity no one will be perfect and I know that is why the Gospel is not only needed but treasured. But it still begs me to question, Where are all the godly men and women?

T.

John & Molly.

Today marks the day that John Wesley literally fell for his future wife, Molly. As the story goes Wesley was off on some preaching tour but was unable to complete it when he slipped on some ice and sprained his ankle. He cancelled his preaching thing and went to spend a week at Molly's so that she could care for him. Soon after the two were married. But not happily.

This past Sunday our sophomore girl class [finally] had our first single gender prayer meeting. We've been trying to get together since last quarter, but everyone is so busy that it has been difficult. I was starting to think everyone hated God/ the only reason why we all went to normal class prayer meetings were for the boys. Just kidding!

Anyways. For girl's prayer meeting we are going to study "Biblical Femininity" by examining 1 Peter 3: 1-7. Pray for us. It will be interesting, especially considering the scrutiny that this passage has suffered in our modern cultural context. I also think that this will be one of the best things we could study at this time. We're at (or we've been at) that age where the semantics of the term "woman" are crucial. 

"Woman". Not a girl. "Woman". Not a man. Feminine maturity & feminine... femininity.

So what does this have to do with Wesley's marriage? Wesley liked Molly because he thought she was attractive not godly. He thought she dressed nicely. Molly's fault was her unwillingness to submit. 

I hope that as we study 1 Peter that we will become godly women. Godly women  who attract godly men for the right reasons, are wise & discerning, and who above all love God.

"Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord, she will be praised."

T.

Irony.

Elyse and I have restarted our study of James for this year. I love the book of James. And though Luther called it the "Epistle of Straw", I'm certain it is part of God's inspired Word and find it intensely practical & theological. James doesn't mess around. He writes his greeting and then he's off to doctrine and how to apply it. The short epistle acts as a litmus test for the Christian, allowing us to examine our lifestyles-- the way we react to trials, our speech, how we treat others, etc--and it causes us to look at our hearts--what motivates and compels us to act Christian. 

We finished the first chapter. Joy in trials. I love how God orchestrates things so that all that I am learning will interconnect and how it all comes at the perfect time. In CCM this week we learned all about suffering & sanctification. And how fitting this was in light of this crazy week with midterms, the general busyness of this year, & this sucky spiritual dryness that I feel has been plaguing my soul. Yet, amidst these things I can still rejoice & find comfort in the grace of God.

Lately, ironies of the Christian faith have been more apparent to me; and O! how I love them! Because of the Gospel, trials-- which the world would deem as unkind or unfair of a loving God to give me--are evidences of His faithfulness, love, and grace, in that they are given to make me more into the likeness of Christ. 

Even this time of dryness has been such a blessing. It sucks that my heart is so "prone to wander" & so apt to whore itself to the world, misplacing its affections in things other than the Gospel. But, this battle is showing me how much I need God. I know that Christ not only saved me, but that it is the Gospel that will also sustain me and move me through sanctification to glorification. I cannot wait for that day when my sin will cease & I will be able to see my Saviour. Until then, I shall continually echo the statement of the father in Mark 9, "I do believe; help my unbelief."

Rooted.

Rooted was amazing.

This week Tiffany, Kristin, and I read chapter 3 in "The Doctrine of Repentance" by Thomas Watson. Chapter 3 focused on 3 of 6 "ingredients" for true repentance-- sight of sin, sorrow for sin, and confession of sin. We talked a lot about how we don't take sin seriously; how, if at the end of the day you asked us how we sinned we wouldn't be able to tell you. Shameful. Or rather, I am shameless. Shamelessly sinning without caring to recognize the consequences or the gravity of my sin. I take my sin way too lightly and that keeps me from fully appreciating the Gospel and from loving Christ as I should.

"The more bitterness we taste in sin, the more sweetness we shall taste in Christ."

After reading that this week I resolved to be more aware of my sin. And I was. It was pretty depressing. I'm glad I am more conscious of how I abuse God's grace, but I am the worst. I sin so much!

But Waston was right. Scripture is right. It is not until we see ourselves as we really are that we can see Christ as He truly is. It's amazing to see God's perfect timing at work. It was good that I studied repentance, good that I was made aware of how unaware of my sin I was. I'm glad that I was able to become shamed over my own sinfulness. And glad that this was all before Rooted.

Rooted was amazing. Not because the band was crazy (which they were), or because Denise's testimony made me tear up (which it did), or because I was so happy to be back at CCAC (which I was), or because Eric's Gospel presentation was so convicting (which it was). Rooted was amazing because everything pointed back to Christ and the cross. 

How much "more meaningful" the Gospel is when you know what you have been saved from and how undeserving you are! O, that the Gospel would continue to pierce my heart and that through a clear view of my sin and wretchedness with Gospel tinted lenses, I would grow to cherish and love Christ all the more.

T.

The why of the blog and the what-does-it- mean of the title.

I'm not going to lie. I am super nervous about writing this first entry. I'm not sure why. It was pretty stressful getting the courage to make this blog and even more stressful thinking of a title/url address. This is way more serious than Xanga.

 

So, why start a blog now? Part of the reason i started this, particularly this afternoon, was because I did not want to do O.Chem practice problems nor did I want to read for Asian American Studies. Another reason I started this was because it was time for a new one. I've been on Xanga since I was in jr. high school. I feel way older than I did in jr. high. I might not act any older, but I feel it. And so, the new era of a legitimate blog begins.

 

Mostly, I just want to use this as a means of keeping myself accountable in my reading of the Word and growth in grace. I feel like i am cheating on my journal(s) by writing here-- whoring myself to the blogsphere. I am a huge lover of good old pen and paper, but lately my hand has been getting sore from writing (Why am I so lame???) and this is an easy way to compile all my journal entries into one nice summary thing.

 

Tiffany and I read "The Sinfulness of Sin" by Ralph Venning over break. Aside from Scripture itself, this is probably the craziest book on sin one will ever read. It defines what sin is, the results of sin, how terrible those things are (ie. Hell, Satan, etc.), and then explains how and why sin is even worse than those things. It was a scary yet wonderful read. The 'sinfulness' of sin and its damning affects are clearly presented while at the same time the Gospel is magnified. How amazing it is that God would love such a sinner as I!

 

As for the title of this blog, it came from the story of the prodigal son and the book. When speaking of the contrariety of sin to the attributes of God, namely His supreme sufficiency, Venning writes, "Every prodigal who leaves the Father's house says in effect, 'It is better to be elsewhere.'" Though i am that prodigal, who daily abuses God's grace, who spits upon the face of the crucified Saviour each time I sin; I know that because of Christ's death on the cross, my sins are atoned for and I can stand righteous before a holy, wrathful, almighty God. I pray that as i continue to grow in my love for God and my knowledge of Him, that the Gospel would saturate every aspect of my life and cause me to always marvel at Christ's glorious grace.

Thank you God, for being merciful to me, the sinner.

T.